THE Verizon Internet

This morning I woke up with one task on my mind – fix the Internet!  I sleepily dialed my 800 number, knowing this has been coming for five days now and I can no longer avoid it.  Before this morning, when I’d get home from work, I’d think, ooo what’s on Netflix streaming?  And then I’d remember that actually, my internet wasn’t working…  That’s when I’d settle for a movie I own on proper DVD.  And I’d try to psych myself up for the occasion – this’ll be great!  You’ve forgotten how good this movie is!  You don’t need The X-Files streaming!  But after the movie, I’d go to check the weather (because let’s face it, I only use the Internet to check weather and stream The X-Files these days), and I’d click on my cute little Firefox icon and the loading dial would just keep revolving it’s ugly face at me, and again, I’d need to remind myself I don’t have the Internet!  Blast.  I’d just check the weather on my phone.

I let this go on for so long because I HATE calling the internet people.  The whole time you’re waiting, they will give you helpful “tips” to fix the Internet in your house without talking to their technicians.  “Most modem connectivity issues can be solved by turning off your modem, waiting fifteen seconds, and then restarting your computer and modem.”  Do you think I’m some sort of internet-fixing amateur?!?  Now, I’m not only annoyed the waiting is so terrible, but you’ve also just insulted my skills!  And if that isn’t terrible enough, you’ll repeat this every four minutes!  The next inevitable line is “You can find instant help 24 hours a day at (or whatever it is) or chat live with our technicians.”  OBVIOUSLY THIS IS THE REASON I’M CALLING YOU!  ‘CAUSE I DON’T HAVE THE MOTHER BLEEPING INTERNET TO TALK TO YOU ON!  At this point, I’m mad about waiting, pissed that Verizon belittles me with obvious solutions, and enraged that they taunt me with the notion of immediate, wonderful help that I can’t access!  One day, when my Internet is working, I think I may just sign into the chat forum or whatever it is and complain about some problem having nothing to do with connectivity issues.  I’ll tell the technician I’m lonely.  Or hungry.  And I don’t know what to do about it.  He’ll ask me why the heck I’m bothering him with these non-connectivity issues, and I will only be able to tell him that I was so mad I couldn’t use this option when I needed it, that I felt once my Internet got restored to full operating condition, I’d see if the constant and helpful online crew at Verizon Wireless could help me sort out some of my other problems.

Anyway, this is all beside the point.  After 22 minutes of pure torture of listening to all this garbage, topped with musical remakes of already terrible songs, someone came on the phone and said, “I’m transferring you to a supervisor now.”  Did I mention that once upon a previous Verizon run-in, a supervisor gave me the direct line to reach only  supervisors?  Yeah.  Well.  I’ve got that number.  Saved.  In my phone.  So as I waited 2 more minutes to get transferred to this supervisor as I prepared my opening line.  “Yes, I’ve obviously already tried rebooting both my modem and my computer because frankly, I have a brain.”  That was when the supervisor asked me if I had checked all the cables.  “Yes, of course I did that,” I lied.  While I had him on speakerphone though, I went over just to double check the cables and holy crap the phone line cable was not plugged into the jack.  Gralff!  I AM an amateur!  How could I have overlooked this!?  Think of all the weather checks and The X-Files episodes I’ve missed!  At this point, I was screaming across the room for the supervisor  to just give me a second while I double checked something.  I’d just spent two minutes telling him I wasn’t an idiot.  And utter blast.  At this point, I had to continue lying (to save face, obviously), “Yes, of course it is plugged in.  I just wanted to switch the ends one more time to see if that wouldn’t do the trick.”  Then I had to feign surprise and relief when his taking me to the IP URL seemed to cure all my Internet woes right away.  “Mam, we should double check a few things, because this typically doesn’t fix anything.”  Ooo he’d caught me!  He knew I didn’t check the cords!  I had to pull the old line out of my bag of tricks, “Well, sometimes this just happens.  It’s absolutely the worst.  When you get a technician by a computer, all of a sudden, nothing is broken.  Trust me, this is frustrating for me, too!  I end up looking like a crazy person!  But it’s working now!  You fixed the problem.  Thank you!”

It still gets under my skin to know this supervisor is sitting in his cubicle somewhere laughing at the fact that some girl didn’t check her wires.  Now, they’re going to add this to the waiting play list.  And I’ll know they’re talking to me!  Guh!


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