bio-tastic

Have you ever written a bio about yourself?  I am working on one right now, and it feels hokey as hell.  I am one step away from, “Sarah enjoys long walks on the beach and reading by candlelight while sipping a nice red wine.”  No, seriously.  Writing this thing makes me feel like I’m promoting myself for a bad game show.  Writing in third person about yourself should be a banned method.  I don’t know why this is the precedent for professional bios.  I guarantee whoever reads this will know for a fact I wrote it myself.  It’s not like I’m Madonna or Serena Williams, here.  At the moment, I wish I were so I wouldn’t have to write this stupid thing myself.  Surely, I can hire someone to do the dirty work for me… any volunteers?

THE Verizon Internet

This morning I woke up with one task on my mind – fix the Internet!  I sleepily dialed my 800 number, knowing this has been coming for five days now and I can no longer avoid it.  Before this morning, when I’d get home from work, I’d think, ooo what’s on Netflix streaming?  And then I’d remember that actually, my internet wasn’t working…  That’s when I’d settle for a movie I own on proper DVD.  And I’d try to psych myself up for the occasion – this’ll be great!  You’ve forgotten how good this movie is!  You don’t need The X-Files streaming!  But after the movie, I’d go to check the weather (because let’s face it, I only use the Internet to check weather and stream The X-Files these days), and I’d click on my cute little Firefox icon and the loading dial would just keep revolving it’s ugly face at me, and again, I’d need to remind myself I don’t have the Internet!  Blast.  I’d just check the weather on my phone.

I let this go on for so long because I HATE calling the internet people.  The whole time you’re waiting, they will give you helpful “tips” to fix the Internet in your house without talking to their technicians.  “Most modem connectivity issues can be solved by turning off your modem, waiting fifteen seconds, and then restarting your computer and modem.”  Do you think I’m some sort of internet-fixing amateur?!?  Now, I’m not only annoyed the waiting is so terrible, but you’ve also just insulted my skills!  And if that isn’t terrible enough, you’ll repeat this every four minutes!  The next inevitable line is “You can find instant help 24 hours a day at http://verizon.com/help (or whatever it is) or chat live with our technicians.”  OBVIOUSLY THIS IS THE REASON I’M CALLING YOU!  ‘CAUSE I DON’T HAVE THE MOTHER BLEEPING INTERNET TO TALK TO YOU ON!  At this point, I’m mad about waiting, pissed that Verizon belittles me with obvious solutions, and enraged that they taunt me with the notion of immediate, wonderful help that I can’t access!  One day, when my Internet is working, I think I may just sign into the chat forum or whatever it is and complain about some problem having nothing to do with connectivity issues.  I’ll tell the technician I’m lonely.  Or hungry.  And I don’t know what to do about it.  He’ll ask me why the heck I’m bothering him with these non-connectivity issues, and I will only be able to tell him that I was so mad I couldn’t use this option when I needed it, that I felt once my Internet got restored to full operating condition, I’d see if the constant and helpful online crew at Verizon Wireless could help me sort out some of my other problems.

Anyway, this is all beside the point.  After 22 minutes of pure torture of listening to all this garbage, topped with musical remakes of already terrible songs, someone came on the phone and said, “I’m transferring you to a supervisor now.”  Did I mention that once upon a previous Verizon run-in, a supervisor gave me the direct line to reach only  supervisors?  Yeah.  Well.  I’ve got that number.  Saved.  In my phone.  So as I waited 2 more minutes to get transferred to this supervisor as I prepared my opening line.  “Yes, I’ve obviously already tried rebooting both my modem and my computer because frankly, I have a brain.”  That was when the supervisor asked me if I had checked all the cables.  “Yes, of course I did that,” I lied.  While I had him on speakerphone though, I went over just to double check the cables and holy crap the phone line cable was not plugged into the jack.  Gralff!  I AM an amateur!  How could I have overlooked this!?  Think of all the weather checks and The X-Files episodes I’ve missed!  At this point, I was screaming across the room for the supervisor  to just give me a second while I double checked something.  I’d just spent two minutes telling him I wasn’t an idiot.  And utter blast.  At this point, I had to continue lying (to save face, obviously), “Yes, of course it is plugged in.  I just wanted to switch the ends one more time to see if that wouldn’t do the trick.”  Then I had to feign surprise and relief when his taking me to the IP URL seemed to cure all my Internet woes right away.  “Mam, we should double check a few things, because this typically doesn’t fix anything.”  Ooo he’d caught me!  He knew I didn’t check the cords!  I had to pull the old line out of my bag of tricks, “Well, sometimes this just happens.  It’s absolutely the worst.  When you get a technician by a computer, all of a sudden, nothing is broken.  Trust me, this is frustrating for me, too!  I end up looking like a crazy person!  But it’s working now!  You fixed the problem.  Thank you!”

It still gets under my skin to know this supervisor is sitting in his cubicle somewhere laughing at the fact that some girl didn’t check her wires.  Now, they’re going to add this to the waiting play list.  And I’ll know they’re talking to me!  Guh!

get inspired…

Curtousy of my amazing brother :)Rug hooking is totally awesome.  Think fiber arts if you’re nervous.  My aunt got my mom into it about ten years ago, and she more recently has gotten me, ahem, hooked.  She and my Aunt Connie go to rug hooking camp on Jersey South Shore (Cape May to be exact) every year, and for the past two years I’ve been lucky enough to attend.  I mean, how great is that?  There is nothing more completely up my alley than hanging out with a bunch of old gals drinking their wine and making their crafts.

Plus, they all have a great sense of humor.  For example, they love to tell strangers they’re hookers, and a few of them even have the shirts that announce this to all.  This always gets a real rise out of them, probs more than the strangers.  Man, sometimes I can’t wait to be old and have a bunch of cats and drink wine and do crafts and, of course, always catch the EBS (early bird special for those of you not in the know).  Wait a second…

But, for realsies, check out this rug my Aunt did from a drawing my cousin’s 8-year-old, Katharine, made.  Amazing sauce!

the proposal…

You may have heard of this movie – Sandra Bullock plays an unconvincing Canadian boss bitch who heads a NYC publishing firm and is about to lose her visa.  To avoid being deported, she forces her assistant Ryan Reynolds to marry her.  Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 43%, and I have to say I disagree.  Now, this brings me to much more serious question… why do I disagree?  Is my life so boring lately that this fairly terrible movie did not force me to quit streaming on Netflix?  Was it just because it was “free” that I watched the whole thing?  Or was it because I was in a slight martini fuzz in a slightly over-hot bubble bath that I watched, and dare say, enjoyed the whole thing?  Yes, it was predictable.  Yes, there was a lack of character development, but as the credits wrapped up, I found myself clicking the button “More Like This” only to be dissatisfied with the other options they provided.  Where have all the good rom-coms gone?  I feel I’m due a truly good one.

I’m thinking something along the lines of Great Expectations, yet again to my objection, Rotten Tomatoes gives this particular movie a lousy 39% claiming that “the film’s execution is more of a tragedy than the story.”  Suit yourself RT.  I then say I’m ready for something else like One Fine Day, which again, Rotten Tomatoes gives a 43% to – lamentable!  Is it my taste we’re questioning here?  I will give the site one more try to check out a renowned Oscar-winner and overall gem: Ghost.  Fine.  80%.  Apparently you cannot fight two Oscars.  So, it is my taste that sucks.

I’ve been told this on several occasions – people who flip through my rather-large library of DVDs and say things like, “Wow!  They actually put this one on DVD?”  I guess I will just have to live with the fact that I have terrible taste in movies.  C’est la vie.  Please let me know if you have any rom-com (that’s romantic comedy) recommendations, good or otherwise, because as we’ve learned, I’ll probably enjoy it, good reviews or not.

grammar talk

My boss and I were recently editing a letter when he informed me that the heads of grammar have officially changed one of my favorite rules.  When making a list of three or more nouns, you no longer need the comma to separate the last two items.  What the heck is this about?  I feel betrayed and I’m sure Professor Dowding (Boston University) is hacking up his breakfast.  Now, we’re never going to know whether a writer is separating the last two items in his sentence, or if she meant them to appear as a coupling.  Apparently, they changed the rule because so many people, including teachers, were having trouble forming these sentences correctly.  Lazy.  Just lazy.  And this got me to thinking, damn!  I’m old!  I went home and looked at my edition of the The Associated Press and that baby is six years old.  Looks like it’s time for me to get the newest version.  With that being said, I’m still going to use that comma.

KittyNotSoKind

So, three years ago I adopted two little snots (don’t get me wrong – I love these dudes) from KittyKind.  This morning my old roommate, Lauren, who lived with me and the boys for two of our three years together, sent me this passage from their site:

i can't help myselfWe always place kittens in pairs: Why? Because kittens play together, sleep together, and keep each other company while you are at work all day long. When kittens have each other to roughhouse with, they are less likely to break or chew things, attack or bite you when they play, or keep you up all night. Basically, they teach each other manners and keep each other out of trouble.”

Lies.  Lauren’s words.  And she’s right.  In fact, it just makes everything in your home twice as likely to get broken, chewed, clawed, etc.  It makes your mornings twice as noisy and your homecomings twice as messy.  Don’t forget the litter box and the catfood bills – these are twice as much as well.

Now, that being said, cats are the funniest little guys around… and this is coming from a dog person.  I got cats because I love to have animals in my home and am not around enough to have a dog.  (And, of course hamsters, bunnies, and fish did not prove to have the longest life spans and I was starting to get a complex).  But, at the end of the day, you still have to be around for cats, too.  Animals of all kinds like to have their people around, or they have a tendency to get edgy.  They knock glasses over, drag ass on the carpet, and rip your couch to shreds.  So, do not be fooled – KittyKind is overwhelmed with cats and they’re trying to move these babies out the door!

That being said, if your considering letting two adorable kittens into your home, they can be twice the fun as well.  Watching them interact with each other and develop two completely different personalities is one of the most entertaining things you can get yourself into.

Plus, you can always dress them up to get them back…

cause now i’m a creeper

At the risk of truly embarrassing myself, I weighed my options, and this one is too good to keep to myself.

With the way my room is set up, my bed looks across at my desk, where my laptop usually resides, plugged into a bigger screen.   A certain gentleman friend, who shall remain nameless (though I can’t imagine he will read this anyway), was over, and we had just finished watching a movie, so screens were on. (Both of them, of course, because I love watching things in double vision these days – What screen to look at? Either one I say!) At this point, said friend was getting ready to leave, and as I was leaning against my headboard, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, facing me saying “adios”.  It was at this point, that slightly-not-sober-Sarah realized that somehow my computer had put up a Photo Booth Screen Saver. For those of you not familiar with Photo Booth, it is an Apple application that allows one to take pictures of oneself (or whatever) with one’s computer and put it into an array of finishes, say, sepia, distorted, Warhol, and in this favorite moment, Comic Book. When I first got my computer, I took quite a few (not gonna lie, like 60) pictures of silliness. Me. My cats. My roommate and me. More me. When I first noticed my computer betraying me, it was zooming in on this gem:

Because it just doesn't work without the image...

Because it just doesn't work without the image...

In a bit of a stupor, I knew he could not turn around, because if he did, he would see two of these HUGE images (like I said, double vision) zooming in on I believe at that point, my teeth, and I must imagine his first reaction would be fear.  I kept his attention on me, and as soon as it changed to a less haunting image, I jumped up and woke the computer.  He wanted to know what he had missed, but of course, I wasn’t offering up any information.

Ugh.  So not graceful.